Counter-Psychology.

Now Playing: Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites - Skrillex

Just a short one this time. I believe even while it is short it speaks volumes.

I am unable to understand how people begin to lose their path when it comes to resolving arguments. No matter the issue, it seems that somehow, whether it be consumption of alcohol (amongst other things), changes to life that affect the psyche, or changes in general that affect one person’s general path or timetable or schedule or whatever avenue you choose in a day.

It seems that the art of conflict resolution, banter and understanding of both sides of the argument are long dead. I say “Art” because it has been defined that Art is a harmonious weaving of a specific element to create something beautiful to the mind’s eye. So in which case, while all of the values stated are different, they are all shared by the same characteristics and mindsets of one human’s psyche, yet are all affected by the other ailments and status changes listed in the first part of this piece (which again, there could be more circumstances or variables involved for argument’s sake.).

We live in a society of decaying moral stamina.
We live in a society of fraying social fabric.
We live in a society of dying values.

Chivalry is dead.
Ignorance is bliss.
We are a psychologically doomed population that is hellbent on destroying itself from the inside out due to it’s own flaws.

I managed to put my foot through the staircase tonight, but I will not falter.

AKS.

Now Playing: All The Way - Poets Of The Fall

Oh my love, if it’s all I can do
I’d take the fall for you.
Cos I will soar, when I lay down with you.
And give my all for you.

This is a 2-part thing, the first part is something I wrote myself. I’m trying my hand at something artistic. Stay with me on it.

———————————————————————————

To my girl, I know you’re out there. I know you are watching me. My mind is alone. We are not together. I have our Valentine’s Day plans ready. I hope you like them, honey. I can show you how the story goes. Will you listen to me? Thank you, my lady. Thank you.

Today is Valentine’s Day. I have arisen with flowers and chocolates. I leave them at the bedside, so that you may enjoy them while I am gone. I am sorry that I have to work today, honey. I do my best for us. For me, for you. For us. For our times together.

My plans will continue into the afternoon, where I put on our favourite song. Our song. The song we professed our love over. The song we made love to. I sing it to the best of my ability. While it is not great, I feel my heart and soul sing for us. I prepare the flowers in a nice vase for you, the scent of fine roses emanates and spreads its brilliance over the room.

The sun begins to set and the dull, yet beautiful light stretches itself over the horizon and over my world. I remark to myself that it mimics your eyes, the reflection of those beautiful eyes. I prepare dinner. Nothing special, just a simple pasta dish. I’m not the greatest chef, but I try. For you. For us. I have a lone candle in the center of the table, set in stone, the light illuminates only what is needed. It resembles the light in the darkness, much like your smile. I love your smile, but you don’t. Which is a shame, it’s still beautiful.

I would move to the balcony and watch the night lights. At this point, I would begin to remember us, and remark of the great memories we had together. Singing our songs, spending our time and living our lives. As one.

Then I would turn and realise. You’re not here. But I still remember you. I still remember us. I commemorate this Valentine’s Day to us, as I toast my glass and remember our Love. With the one tear slowly streaking down my eye, I close my eyes and picture your kiss. Our kiss. That one kiss that entwined us forever.

I miss you, honey.

——————————————

———————————————————————————

What I wrote is a story about Valentine’s Day. Interpret any meaning you wish from it. That’s not the only thing I wish to write down today. Last year, on this very day, I remarked of the many various ways people can interpret Valentine’s Day, I also thought to myself that someday I would find a good meaning to place upon V-Day. A meaning that EVERYONE can be a part of. A meaning that can be globally recognised for the sake of being Valentine’s Day: A Day Dedicated to Love.

As of this morning, I found it, and I want to share it with you all. Follow this example, it’s a quote from a letter I wrote to someone.

In my eyes, I don’t believe Valentine’s Day is just about couples anymore. It’s about LOVE. Love for Family. Love for Country. Love for Friends. Love for the sake of Love.

I believe Valentine’s Day has become too shallow. It focuses too much on the love that is shared between couples. Love is known universally. You can go to Alabama, Sweden, Africa, Russia, Australia and hell, even Antarctica. People know what love is. Valentine’s Day should be a celebration of Love, not a celebration of couples. That makes it too shallow, and segregates the rest of the world.

I believe that the conceptual value of Love should be shared by everyone. Everyone deserves to be loved. Even those vile people that hurt others. We can Love to Hate these people. Referring to Love as a proper noun here, makes it something quintessential amongst it’s conceptual value. Simply put, Love should be the ultimate form of expression, no matter which way it is shared.

I hope you have all taken something from this, and will continue to Love. Value your friends, your family, just as much as you love and value your partner. If you don’t have a partner, all hope is not lost, believe me. Until then, love your friends and your family, they are just as worthy as anyone else.

Time for another walk.
I must say, I do love these stairs.
AKS.

Now Playing: The Scorpion - Megadeth

As I climb onto your back
I will promise not to sting.
I will tell you what you want to hear
And not mean anything.

Then I’ll treat you like a dog,
As I shoot my venom in.
You’ll pretend you didn’t know,
that I am the Scorpion.

It really is amazing how much of a sting denial is.

…

Today, I sit here and I wonder to myself what I’ve done. I feel that I sit here and wait, then wait some more, for some unspeakable reason that I am unable to fathom.

But then again, today, I asked myself that same question. The answer came partially, so I am still at a loss as to whether or not I can progress without understanding this more. I can’t fathom, nor understand, one question that has been on my lips for a long time. I rock back and forth on the subject while I type more and more. I see it all before, the characteristics that cause people to go backwards in this world. The characteristics that cause an individual to stain their minds with deceit, denial and stupidity. To think, it all starts with one question.

That question is: “What is a friend?”

Today, I came to realise that I am unable to answer this question, because every time I think about it, I get more questions.

Do I deserve these “friends” I have?
Are they even friends?
What kind of friends are they?
What do they do for me?
What do I do for them?
Would they have my back in any situation?
What defines a true friend instead of a friend?
Is the term friend distorted by fact of association?

The cycle is endless and I am unable to understand why people act the way they do. Especially to their friends. I am unable to fathom the actions of people on any medium. Whether it’s the internet, and having “e-friends”, or just acquaintances, friends you had at school, friends you’ve made at work. As I look over my questions I come to determine underlying factors of each question. As an example, I re-read “Do I deserve these ‘friends’ I have?” and wonder how much of a double-edged sword the question is. Do I deserve to be treated the way I’m treated?

I’m sitting here, and I’m going in circles with the whole thing. I believe the ideal of a friend has been pushed too far. People in general have way too many “double standards”, and this is reflected in the way they treat specific friends. You can’t even call it playing favourites, the whole system is flawed. An incident occurred today, where a bunch of friends and e-friends were involved, and it seriously made me re-think who I have respect for in this world.

The basic of it is, a bunch of friends don’t like this particular e-friend of ours and refuse to play with him. However, instead of talking to the bloke about it, they just ignore him, segregate him and talk about him behind his back. I’ve told them a few times that there is nothing wrong with the kid, he means well and isn’t a hassle to anyone, especially not to me. Today, the segregation was taken way too far. If anyone’s familiar with Ventrilo, they created a separate channel, the title implying that they were hiding from this guy, because apparently to them, he’s some kind of monster. I couldn’t believe how childish my so called friends were. Two of them especially are going for defence force jobs and it just looks so uncouth and disgraceful knowing that these 2 people take part in representing a country that believes in acceptance and multiculturalism. They segregated this kid, and I was furious. I couldn’t believe that these so called “friends” of mine were so childish and fickle.

None of them want to front up about it either, a whole bunch of nerd-rage was thrown out and I simply replied with, “Grow the fuck up. This isn’t a fucking schoolyard. You’re not in high school anymore with your idiotic gossip and stupid pranks.” And again, no one fronted up for anything, instead I got blamed for it. My own friends told me it was my fault that this shit started, and have been egging at me all day about anything possible just to drive me insane.

Some good came out of it though, the victim (so to speak) of this shit came to me and thanked me for sticking up for him, saying that he didn’t believe someone online would say such things. While I’m flattered, it instantly made me think about the people around me and the choices I’ve made while believing and relying on these people. I would never go as far as to trust people, and this is one of those moments where I’m glad I don’t.

I’m at the end of my line for idiots and immature shit. I do not want to grasp and be subjected to hypocritical bullshit then be blamed for it. As an individual, one is able to make their own decisions, not be swayed by ANYONE.

The people around you are designed to advise, not guide.
The people around you are designed to navigate, not steer.
The people around you are designed to show you the doors, not push you through one.

You have a choice. You can make decisions. If right now, you’re reading this, take 10 seconds to lean back in your seat, close your eyes, take a deep breath, inhale, exhale and realise that it is infact you choosing to breathe manually. Not Jack, not Steve, not Tom, Dick, Harry, Dianne, Charlene or Queen Elizabeth. You are your own person. Be you. You have your own shadow, so don’t stand in someone else’s just because they tell you to.

I figure once an individual hits 18 (the legal age to drink, the so called “day of growing up”) the amount of stupid things that a person does would begin to decrease, and the amount of good and better decisions would rise. However, lately all I’m seeing is people living in denial. They are denying their past, present and future, and are assuming the double-life where they can fake it and lie about everything, just because it feels good at the time. Your insecurities are yours to be faced, don’t just litter them around like garbage and expect someone else to clean it up for you.

Denial is the notion that in all sections of your mind, you lack character. While lacking character, you begin to deny and deteriorate any form of hope that you should be taken seriously. Denial is an illusion used by the feeble-minded to cheat themselves into thinking that the lies will solve the problem. Denial is a trump-card used by the needy to trick fiction and make it become a pseudo-reality for such people.

If you are denying the truth, you are denying your own future.
If you are denying the truth, you are denying your own presence.
If you are denying the truth, you are denying your own existence.
If you are denying the truth, you are denying your own character.

If you are denying the truth, you are denying your own will to live as an individual.

The people of today appear to slowly be failing as a society. Those with any shred of moral decency are becoming lost in the fray of social insecurity and lack of adaptivity. No one wants to progress, they’d rather take drugs and sit there in denial (again with the fucking denial), believing that everything in their life is perfect while they forget that any tether of hope is being snapped like a cheap skipping rope.

I am sitting on the steps and watching the people walk by, wondering if any soul can be saved from it’s own insecurities, it’s own denial, or at worst, it’s own inability to accept change. I will watch, observe and attempt to understand further.

So from the stairwell, I will continue observing. I see it all with my 2 eyes, the truth.
The inevitable truth. The truth of characteristics. The truth of my future as an individual.

I continue to walk, to find the truth.

AKS.

Now Playing: Little Stars - The Bloody Beetroots Feat. Vicarious Bliss

“Are you looking at the stars?”
“Of course I’m looking at the stars. Do you never look at the stars? They hold our dreams!”
“Do they talk to you?”
“Of course they talk to me. Don’t they talk to you? They talk to everybody!”
“What do they say?”
“What do they say!? The Stars! Look at ‘em boy! Look at ‘em! How they shine! How they shine for you and me tonight!”

No matter who you are, the stars always tell you the truth.

I am currently at that realisation point where the serenity has escaped me but I still accept my life as it is.

I live what I live.
I see what I see.
I hear what I hear.
I accept it. But I change what I can to suit me.

Previously, I was unable to accept some of the things I cannot change. I am at a stage of life where everything around me is unable to wait for me to progress. Well, it’s able, it just doesn’t want to. So it’s my turn.

Autonomy can die and rot for all I care. I am done living this machinist lifestyle. And I’ll be fucking damned before I let this shit kill me. While I accept the things I cannot change, I will MAKE it work, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Why? Because it is UNNECESSARY for me to have to deal with this garbage.

But I am not speaking just for me. This is for everyone that believes in that glimmer of hope. Over the past 2 months, as broke, broken and sick I have been, something positive has come out of it at every corner. The positive attitude I’ve kept has brought better things my way. I’m not talking crazy shit like a million dollars, I’m talking about minor things that make big differences. A few days ago, I was hungry as hell; had not eaten a crumb all day. Much to my glee and obvious shock, I found $20 on the street on my afternoon break at work. This is just one minor (of many) weird things that appear to be happening lately. I feel that it’s good Karma, but again, I’m not one to judge.

This is a message to anyone who has lost touch with reality. I’m urging you, if you’re so lost that not even YOU can find yourself, you have get up off the floor for starters. There is no sense going backwards in a world of progress. If you’re having a rough time at present, think of the path you can choose, and sidestep onto it. You must NEVER go backwards. You, while reading this, and I, while writing this can immediately outline the implications of taking a backwards step. Lost progress is never good. There is no “greater good” in going backwards; maybe for someone else, but definitely not for you.

So from my staircase, I build another path forwards.
The Road Less Traveled is named that because people are too afraid of change.
The Road Less Traveled is named that because people cannot make their own decisions.

The Road Less Traveled is named that because peripheral vision is a new-age sin caused by the narrow-minded populace that believe in “what it is” and not “what it can be if you do this differently”. People can only see what is in front of them and will never deviate from the path unless it kills them. The route of change is something that some people can never fathom beyond their wildest dreams.

Time to walk.
Cheers.

AKS.

Now Playing: Watercolour - Pendulum.

Sometimes it takes a lot of thinking for one to realise that they need not think any further.

What I’m trying to say here is that people tend to overthink things, myself included. Ever since I made my Resolution, I have come to notice a few things changing in my life. As of today, the 10th of July of the year 2010 at 2:38AM I have achieved an inner light.

This inner light that I speak of is the reason I have come to be who I am. Today, my tenacity was tested beyond all belief. I was put into numerous situations where perceptions were the key, and I was having ample trouble understanding why I had come to these paths. If I was to cross these paths again in the future, I would be left with nothing more or less than a taste of sanity, right? Wrong. It is 100% the opposite, where-in this test may have driven me utterly insane.

Because of this, I have come to realise that it is not only my path that will be difficult, but the paths that cross mine. As I glance over to my bed and see my girlfriend sleeping there (albeit not so peacefully at times), I have come to understand my responsibilities as a man. That I have an obligation to myself and to her. The obligation that I will be the best person that I can be, no matter what it takes. I will always experience the highest highs and the lowest lows but the difference this time is that I will embrace BOTH the high and the low EQUALLY.

In this case, I will NEVER overthink the reasons for which said situation is a highpoint or a lowpoint. I will let all fear (if any) subside. I will, without rushing, but with speed, decipher all riddles in my path and accomplish my goals. I will overcome all hurdles with ease, because it is a requirement that I remain at my peak to face all challenges head on. Ever since my previous injuries, ailments and illness, I have still emerged stronger than before.

Keeping all of this in mind, I can say that I have accomplished a part of my Resolution. I have reclaimed my sanity, morality and tenacity. I am able to keep my cool and vent where necessary, understand the correct difference within right and wrong while not having to do a wrong to make it right and through sheer grit, I have been able to stay strong even through the hardest of times. Times where I have been unable to rely on no one but my own ability (even where it may seem impossible to face alone), I have smashed the obstacle with ease and continued on my way.

While it may take a long while to regain all the time I have lost, and many people will always question my motives, my stories, my past, present and future. I will keep my head high, I will press on. I will never forget and I will never give up.

I will remember who I am and what I can do.

I walk alone.
I walk with pride.
I know nothing will break my stride.
I am DRIVEN.
I will see you all from the top of the stairwell to contemplation.

I am.
AKS.

Now Playing: Warp 1977 - Bloody Beetroots.

So it’s been awhile since I came back to Tumblr. I’m currently sitting in a Netcafe contemplating, as per usual, my life and how it’s going thus far. I can honestly say that through the ups and downs, I’m rather happy with myself and my actions. I am progressing further on the road and I’m learning new things and honing my current skills as well.

It has just hit Midnight on Valentine’s Day as I began typing this and I am already trying to figure out what I will do from here onwards. I am always thinking, always vigilant and always mindful of my actions. Always.

At this point, I’m in my new place. It’s in the heart of the City. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t have the internet connected until a few days from now, so this Netcafe is to suffice until then. I live in the apartment with my best mate, he’s cool. I also work 3 jobs, soon to be a possible 4 if all goes to plan. My music tastes have expanded further, and I can’t stop listening to this Bloody Beetroots song. I do recommend for those that love expanding their tastes. This is a mix of screamo metal and techno, try it out.

I might as well take it from the top.

- Part 1 -

New Years Eve was definitely NOT what I had planned. I wasn’t feeling the best at work and it started to show on the way home. When I got home, I dosed up on Panadol and it mixed with the alcohol I had at work, giving me a temporary high, cancelling out my sickness. It wasn’t until my friends went home that I started to realise it; it was going to be a rough start. I was right, it was very rough. On the 2nd of January, I was hospitalized.

My fever hit 40+ degrees celsius, I was delirious, shivering and I couldn’t eat or drink. I was dosed up on more meds and IV fed for 2 hours until I stabilized. Funnily enough, the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. First they said it was Pneumonia, then downgraded it to Glandular Fever. By the time I got better, it was classed as “some fucked up Virus”. Cheers for all the support, Doc.

It gave me time to think. I had no voice so I couldn’t talk to anyone at all during the 2 week period. All I could do, was wallow in my thoughts and ponder my next move. So it came to be, I would properly choose my New Years Resolution. My New Years Resolution would be to couple with my usual “Don’t Trust ANYONE.” This time however, I had to approach life a little differently. And it was at that point I decided on my New Years Resolution.

My Resolution is to get back all the time I have lost with myself. To regain all hope that dwindled and faded away over those years. To reclaim my sanity, my morality and my tenacity. To accomplish all my goals and instead of breaking even, smashing the target.

I will not falter.

- Part 2 -

As I stated before, it just ticked over Midnight on Valentine’s Day. While sitting here in this Netcafe I’ve come to realise a few things about Valentine’s Day. There are way too many ways to approach this day. I’ll list them. These all my interpretations, none of them are taxed.

- Cliche: It’s all about love, roses and couples. If you haven’t got a partner, find one. Alternatively, you can use this day as an excuse to FINALLY ask out that special someone that you have been too chickenshit to say anything too for the past however long it’s been.

- The Hallmark Holiday: Valentine’s Day is just a stupid holiday created by Hallmark in order to create a competitive market for them to monopolize the card market in a time frame that is between Christmas and Easter.

- Bitter: Fuck Valentine’s Day. I’ll never be loved any other day and I sure as fuck do not need your annoying pissant attempt of a sympathy vote wrapped in a cute little card that pretty much says, “Bad luck kid, must suck being ugly.”

- Happy Fuck Day: I have alot of love to give. I’m going to give it to alot of people.

- Indifferent: They actually celebrate love? Isn’t that what marriage is for? Who cares anyway, it’s just another reason to get free shit.

Now I go back to wondering, how will I approach it? I can safely say I’m very indifferent about Valentine’s Day. I call it V-Day most of the time anyway, because I don’t take it seriously enough to call it by it’s full name. I’ve never had a stable valentine. I sort of had one in high school, but it didn’t exactly go too well. I’ve semi shunned the idea of V-Day. I’m not bitter about it. I would rather just wait until Valentine’s Day becomes a little more interesting than just a bunch of roses, a card, a teddy bear, heart candies, the overuse of red and pink, and the term “I love you” thrown in once in awhile.

Call it unreasonable, but I just hope that V-Day becomes what it is supposed to be. A show of one’s true love and feelings. At present, it has become commercial and very trivial.

That’s my life until this moment.

I have many plans ahead.

I will continue to accomplish my goals, stomp my way into the fray and charge my way out the other side.

No matter what happens, I will fight my way up the stairwell of contemplation.

AKS.

Now Playing: Timelessness - Fear Factory.

So Christmas is around the corner and I’ve been thinking. Thinking about a whole lot of things. Thinking about why I haven’t blogged so much lately. Thinking about why certain things happen to certain people, and why certain things do not happen for certain people.

I’ll begin to answer in the best way I can.

I haven’t blogged much lately due to the fact that I have finally secured a good and fun job. I work as a Customer Service Agent at the leading internet company in Australia, Bigpond (part of Telstra). As it is right now, I currently boast having 3 jobs. First is at Telstra, second is on the weekends working with the family business at the Markets, third is writing articles for an e-Sports Website. The link to the e-Sports website can be found here. Click on the Articles on the right for all my previous works. I update it weekly. And of course, I somehow find time to update my Tumblr and Notemine between these busy times.

Anyway, now onto the main part of this. As I said before, Christmas is coming and I want to shed some light on what I think it’s about. Today, while at work, I thought about what Christmas means to me. I don’t think of it religiously, I don’t think about it as a massive giftfest (although presents are always nice). I think of it as a time to give. You may ask, “What do you give?” I reply, “The same thing I always give. Hopes and happiness.” I try my heart out to make people smile but there will always be some that I have come into contact with, and wish to help but am unable to sit down and talk with them due to us having different schedules.

This is about one such person that I have spoken to on Notemine. I don’t know her real name. All I know is that she lives in America, and is an intellectual that I once sparked an excellent conversation with one day. This woman fascinates me because of her love for her partner of which she misses dearly. She is unable to move on because she knows her love is true, she misses her partner who has left her due to discrepancies (I don’t know the full story.) that they once had while together. While she knows that she did wrong by her partner, and wishes to change it, she also knows that it will take time and effort. One of the other things I’ve learnt, is that her and her ex-girlfriend share a child together.

Her name is “Lay_Me_Down_Gently”.

Every time I speak to this woman, my heart warms to her and makes me wish that I could pick her up every time she stumbles. So I am writing this in the hope that she can see my message and my outstretched hand. For her to understand that she is a fucking trooper and deserves a happy ending, given the endless struggle for happiness, the endless pursuit for a second chance. My intellectual friend, if you ever read this, you have my support in ANY way possible.

I want things to work out for you. You deserve happiness. For you, your girl, and your son. May your Christmas wishes come true. May ALL of your wishes come true. I wish to lay you down the night when you will be at your happiest, and be able to sleep and dream of the great future you have ahead of you. I want to show you the future, and help you live it to the fullest.

I want you to be happy.
I want you to smile and move forward.
I want you to walk with me along the stairwell to contemplation.

AKS.

Now Playing: Walk With Me - Joe Budden.

Read the lyrics. I know it’s Rap, you can decipher it. I love the lyrics to this song because they’re deep, and you can gain understanding of a man’s life when he pours it out on the table. I definitely can relate to this song, and I hope you can understand me for it. Come and take a walk with me. Come and take a short walk with me.

[Chorus]
Come and take a walk with me…
I need all of y’all to come and take a walk with me…
I need for all of y’all to feel what I’m going through
And see what I see, if you got time to take a walk with me
Wait a minute now…
Shit ain’t like I thought it would be
Come to Jersey from New York with me
I know you busy…
But take the time out to walk with me
Pay attention on this tour with me
Maybe I’m seeing something wrong
Come along and make sure with me
Come and take a short walk with me

[Joe Budden - Verse 1]
Yo… I’m seeing a couple things wrong with the way that I’m living
So come and walk with me I just need a second opinion
Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive
See some snake niggaz, me and them don’t deal anymore
Ever since I got signed I don’t know whats real anymore
I’m paranoid so excuse me if I seem to be nervous
But everybody from my past now they trying to resurface
Trying to rekindle. They don’t think I know they gone limo
I got cousins I never knew they trying to pass me a demo
Maybe I’m wrong, like I told you man I need your opinion
Me and him never spoke before so I don’t see what’s so different
Dudes I don’t know they recognize me start extending they hand
And I’m tripping ready for beef when he was only a fan (why?)
Cause these niggaz in my hood say they don’t like how I’m reppin’
Let me know how strongly you feel, will I be needing my weapon?
As some sort of protection, should I carry a pen and pad
And ask everybody in the fucking hood for their suggestions?
I’m letting the labels know that Jersey City is gifted (dog)
When they didn’t know that Jersey City existed, but it’s cool dog
Certain cats in Jersey City so hateful (Hateful)
And certain cats in Jersey City ain’t grateful (Ain’t grateful)
All they say is I don’t chill anymore
Ever since I got signed they don’t think I’m real anymore
I’m told I shouldn’t be alone cause I’m a star in my hood
Something might happen now, they know who you are in the hood, they do
So I can’t tell you how I feel anymore
Ever since I got signed I can’t tell what’s real anymore, you feelin’ me dog

[Chorus]
Come and take a walk with me…
I need all of y’all to come and take a walk with me…
I need for all of y’all to feel what I’m going through
And see what I see, if you got time to take a walk with me
Wait a minute now…
Shit ain’t like I thought it would be
Come to Jersey from New York with me
I know you busy…
But take the time out to walk with me
Pay attention on this tour with me
Maybe I’m seeing something wrong
Come along and make sure with me
Come and take a short walk with me

[Joe Budden - Verse 2]
See to me it’s heavy, but to you it may seem petty
Let’s continue walking, I know you ain’t tired already
I take you to meet my girl I got to see if you notice
If she love me or if the bitch got an ulterior motive
Why am I hated cause I handle my business
Ain’t got to look for a girl nowadays cause almost all these niggaz is bitches
See ‘em often while we walking I’ll show you the drug dealers
and some dudes that hate me word on the streets is they real killers dog
Where was the hate back when I wasn’t on my feet
An alcoholic, school dropout, just a bum on the street
Where was the hate during my adolescence
Back when that psychiatrist was trying hard to get me on immanic depression so man
I don’t recall none of this happenin’ back then
And I don’t understand I was still rappin’ back then
So I got to ride with a gun
From trying to get my mom and pop up out of the slums and provide for my son
If you met my baby moms would you notice
If she was ready for a child of if her ass had an ulterior motive
I don’t know what she’s teaching Trey but everyday he get older
Angie’s bitter and feel like now that I’m successful I owe her
Cause she would hold me so tight when I was ready to relapse
Tell me to relax, I ain’t know no better straight out of rehab
Bottom line I was lonesome
But we was wrong for each other, Angie I grown some
Got bigger issues, if you went to Def Jam would you notice
If they was out for my best interest or do they just see a dollar in Joseph? (Ugh)
Guess I ain’t sure how I feel anymore
Ever since I got signed I can’t tell what’s real anymore
I mean them same record execs that wanted me in
Don’t care that I’m the next nigga, they just wanna see spins I swear
Guess I ain’t sure how I feel anymore
Ever since I got signed I can’t tell what’s real anymore, you feelin’ me dog

[Chorus]
Come and take a walk with me…
I need all of y’all to come and take a walk with me…
I need for all of y’all to feel what I’m going through
And see what I see, if you got time to take a walk with me
Wait a minute now…
Shit ain’t like I thought it would be
Come to Jersey from New York with me
I know you busy…
But take the time out to walk with me
Pay attention on this tour with me
Maybe I’m seeing something wrong
Come along and make sure with me
Come and take a short walk with me

Come walk the steps with me.

AKS.

Now Playing: One Good Reason - Celldweller.

So as it seems, I can’t control my lust for writing now. I’ve got a job writing articles for an e-Sports website and I write articles practically everyday for them while trying to juggle my personal life in between that and my other jobs. But that’s not the big problem at present.

My personal life seems to enjoy playing tricks on me. None of it is getting me down, but it is trying it’s hardest to annoy me, for that it gets some points. I’ve been wondering over the past couple of weeks. Just wondering, thinking about the prospects of my life. Since the process of elimination that I have built up for myself, it seems more of them have been cut down and out of my path.

I don’t even have to bother listing them anymore. The whole concept of this list that I had built up of girls that had come up and pretended to have fallen for me; in truth it was all a sham. Even those that had pretended to love me (or even just been friends) for years have just turned out to be nothing more than desperate attentionwhores that are now bitter as fuck.

The part I can’t understand though, is where my friends (or just fake as fuck people I know) want to tell me that I’m the one being bitter about it. I don’t particularly see how I can be bitter if I don’t care, and only respond when I’m bored and feel like baiting someone. Do you try to bring me down because I am happy? Because I’m going to tell you now, I will NOT step down.

I will NOT fold for anyone. I have no reason to fall to the ground right now. I am a strong person and I will not be faltered by ANYONE. Not by my enemies, and sure as fuck not from my friends. Do not try to bring me down based on your insecurities and your misconceptions. Instead, I will offer my services and help you get up off the ground.

I had previously said I wanted to link this to my Notemine Account, and post notes between the sites. As I’ve watched over time, I’ve figured that there will be some that I’ll add to it in the future. But for now, I’m going to document my life’s happenings on here, because somewhere out there, someone wants to understand and change. Time to set up the play.

- If I provide a decent mould to fit into, where you can overcome your goals even in the midst of near impossibility, then I have succeeded in empowerment.
- If you begin to understand that taking the best step forward can still work, no matter how many steps you have taken backwards, then I have succeeded in empowerment.
- If you are safe in your soul and you are ready to accept the things you cannot change in some corners of reality, but still want to change the things that are available, then I have definitely succeeded in empowerment.

Never be afraid to accept the things you cannot change, there are still some parts of it you can respond to anyway. However, the main thing that must be remembered in this case. Never give up, never fold. If you fall down, get up again. Even if you fall 7 times, get up 8.

Even as I stumble on this stairwell, I will forever be vigilant.

AKS.

Now Playing: Every Fuckin’ Day - DJ Nosferatu VS DJ Monte.

It’s been an odd week to say the least.

Upon coming to the realisation I have quite a few women after me, I decided to assess the situations behind them all. It has now become evident that I had 10 women after me at the beginning of this week. This number is down to 6. This includes women from Notemine, online experiences and girls I’ve met outside (of course.).

Let’s break it down briefly:

Andrea: Got obscenely drunk and threw up all over her friend’s bedroom. After taking her home (and having her throw up in the cab as well) she kept saying how embarrassed she was and started crying about how I’d never want to see her again. No matter how many times I said I didn’t give a flying fuck, she decided to continue on about it. Now whenever we talk she’s very short with me and won’t say shit. Whatever, see ya later, maybe you’ll front the courage again.

Jess: So yeah, you were all nice and beautiful in the first part. After all that lead up to you telling me you loved me on AIM then going to that concert, it seems the hype is gone. Not surprised, with your history, it’s obvious why you don’t get so attached to Males. I hate what he did to you, but I can’t let go of what you did to me this week. Saying you love me, then going on and remarking happily about the guy that thinks you’re cute. And go figure, you disappear, see ya later.

Isabella: Wonder where the fuck you’ve gone. You claim to have feelings for me then after reading over your notemine it’s evident you’re with someone else. Don’t you idiots understand that claiming feelings for someone is a fucking rotten idea yet you do it anyway? Oh well, not phased, see ya later.

Tiffany: I wasn’t that pissed off until you decided to judge me about this “list” of women I have. I didn’t exactly ask for all of them to follow me. I can’t help the fact that I wanted help them get adjusted to their feelings and help them understand that they can change their future. But of course, it’s my fault that you’re like this. From anyone’s view, it was obvious all you would’ve wanted from me was sex, go right ahead and say whatever you want, I don’t care. See ya later.

Yeah, it might look like some cheesey attempt to have my say, but it’s my blog and from time to time I like to have my say on the people in my life. Maybe I’ll come back with the rest of them later. I do kinda like the idea that the girls are disappearing on a daily basis too, hopefully it’ll make the decision easier down the track.

I will continue to contemplate my choices in life, and walk the stairs.

AKS.